The Myth About "Just Friends"

     "Just friends" has kind of gotten a bad rap from our society which seems to constantly send the message "all or nothing" to young people out there, and many of us have bought into this way of thinking, especially when it comes to relationships. You see guys on TV shows balking at the fact that they are in the "just friends zone" and trying to "fix" things in order to get on the girl's "good" side. The fact of the matter is he probably doesn't need to fix anything and the fact that he is even in the "friend zone" is a good thing.
     Girls need to feel safe in a relationship. They need to know that you are trustworthy and feel comfortable being around you. They need to know that you aren't going to suddenly ditch her, tear her to pieces with your words, or pressure her into doing something that she doesn't want to do.
     I would say girls typically have 7 stages of relationship:
1) stranger
2) acquaintance
3) friend
4) good friend
5) best friend
6) more than friends (this stage is usually pretty short)
7) a couple (boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancées, spouses, all that jazz)

     For some girls it's more for some girls it might be less (on the rare occasion) but for the most part I think that girls can pretty much agree that these are the basic stages of relationship that we go through (or hope to go through).
   Notice that I have three stages for friend? If you have reached that zone you are at least going in the right direction. For girls like me it might be a little bit before I feel comfortable starting a conversation with you so you might stay in the acquaintance stage for a while (introverts tend to be that way).
    When girls say that "we're just friends" context is everything. If we are saying it to complete strangers or just casually to people it could be any one of the 3 stages of friendship. When we are talking to our closest friends and say that usually you can gauge where you stand by how you are introduced. Are you introduced? You probably are either a friend or an acquaintance if she is not quick to introduce you. Are you the first person she tries to introduce to people? Then you are probably either really cool or a good friend (possibly even a best friend or heading that way). Do all her best friends know about you and seem pretty comfortable around you? What about her family? If you can answer yes to both of these you are either in the good friend stage or the best friend stage.
    Now I have grossly generalized the female and how she will respond in the different stages of relationship and so you are going to have to use your own judgement when it comes to different females. Which means you have to get to know us. The fact is we are all very different and need to be in relationship in order for you to even attempt to understand our system.
    Becoming friends should be the first priority. Unfortunately because we give in to "popular opinion" (call it what you want, media, peer pressure, the stupid mind games that you play with yourself) many people have bought the lie. "Just friends" is not a bad thing. It's a step in the right direction.

The Ripple Effect

    Robin Williams, funny man, is dead. Everyone has to die at some point but when we do it causes a ripple effect. Eventually people move on but you never really can replace the person who died.
     For Robin Williams things are no different. He was a great entertainer and performed for countless millions in his lifetime and will continue to even after his passing (just pop in one of his flicks and your good to go). Society, however, will not be able to create new works of modern art for him to perform in because he is just not there to do it.
      Society itself will move on, but will his family?
     When it's family it's more personal. The void is felt more for longer. There is a sense in which this person lived with you and shared life with you. The relationship is closer. He wasn't that old so I can't imagine what it must be like for those who did live with him to find out that he died. It must have been somewhat of a shock.
     People leave their marks on this world, some more than others. We each are making an impact, for better or for worse, and that impact is going to ripple out and impact others whether they know where their influence came from or not.
    Even after we are dead and gone there will still be at least fragments of our influence that last. I think of my great-grandma Eckdahl who died recently and remember some of the cute things she would say like, "those nuts are musty, I must have some more." Another of my great-grandmas (Edwards) passed down a book of poems that she and her sister used to recite along with some that she liked and a few written either by her or members of the family. (Which may be why I enjoy poetry so much.)
     People die but their influence in our lives is remembered. We can never replace them because there never will be a person quite like them again.

Advice on Lists

     This is some advice I would give to girls (or guys) who are looking for Mr. Right (Mrs. Right). When I was younger and inexperienced I did not take this piece of advice seriously and ended up paying for it in the long run.

MAKE A LIST!

     Make a list of qualifications of what Mr./Mrs. Right must meet in order to pass the "should I marry you" test and stick with it! No reneging on your points just because you meet someone who you think is really really cool and you really really want to make this work. Because if they fail on one point chances are they are going to fail on others too. If you are unsure of your list you could show it to a friend (preferably married) who you trust will be honest with you or to your parent(s). Parents have a way of being able to be more honest with us than most so they are probably your best option.
     (The downside to telling your parents is they may pressure you to put things on your list that you may not necessarily want on it. Just be aware of what you want and then consider what your parents have to say but realize that they are human too and even though they want what's best for you at some point you need to make your own decisions.)
     I was watching a YouTube video recently that dealt with this issue and was reminded of the fact that "hey I have a list I think I need to add to it" (it's not a very long list so far but it's much better than when I had none or just that he had to be a Christian and be good with kids).
     Each individual is going to be different and so when making your list I would advise you not to paint an exact picture of who you want to marry (e.g. He has blue eyes, brown hair, is clean shaven, drives a red mustang, and has a black lab as a pet) let's be realistic here. List personality traits and beliefs, don't focus so much on their physical attributes and stuff, those fade with time but your spouses' personality and beliefs are something that you are going to have to live with.
     A wise friend once told me that you will meet a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Sometimes it's hard to figure out if a certain person is a frog or a prince. Having a list will help you to more easily determine that (also it helps you understand where you stand on certain issues so you can be more confident in asking questions).
     Having a list will help to keep you from going through a lot of pain and heartache. Sometimes those of us who are hardheaded about this kind of stuff will go through that anyway. (I did and I'm still functioning.)
      Here is how I would describe the feelings you go through when you are seriously in the wrong relationship and emotionally attached:
       Your on a rope about to go 50 feet into the air. There's a rush and a thrill when your going up and it's pretty fun while your on top of the world but then there is a complication and before you know it you are speeding towards the ground and there is nothing you can do to stop. When you hit the ground you get the wind knocked out of you and you are starting to see spots at the edge of your vision and feel like if you don't get air you're going to die. Your chest feels like you have a ton of bricks pressing against you and it's like you have forgotten what it was like to breathe in, all you can do is let your breath out. At some point you wonder if it's worth fighting for air because it's so painful. It's then that you need people around you telling you to keep fighting. Yes, it hurts and it still will hurt after you get up and walk away but your friends want you to survive. They don't want you to be overcome because you chose not to fight. So you finally breathe. It may have felt like an eternity in the moment but you breathe. After standing up and stumbling about for a little bit you return to normal. Yes, it is a painful experience but you survive.
     The drop makes the first part not so much fun as it was in the moment. I can't save people from themselves but I can warn them of what's coming if they aren't careful. Make a list and stick with it. You won't be sorry that you did.

     Here is the super silly YouTube video I saw that inspired me to add to my list, plus I think Kevin has some great points. Enjoy!

My Thoughts on Arranged Marriage

          Arranged marriage as I said in a previous post (Dating, Courtship, Arranged Marriage, Oh My!) is when your parents or a matchmaker would choose a person out for you and then you marry that person. If you have good parents they will want what's best for you and the arrangement would probably have a lot of the elements of courtship tied into the deal. If they are more focused on what kind of status or cast the spouse-to-be has (like some of the more traditional people in Saudi Arabian and some of the Asian countries) then you it is likely that you will marry someone who fits the bill rather than being reassured of getting someone who is truly compatible. Not that this happens all of the time but it does happen.
     Many people bring up the fact that arranged marriages are less likely to end up in divorce than love marriages. I read recently that the rates might not be as far apart as what we think (read more here) most people will say that love marriages have a 40-50% rate of divorce while arranged marriages have around 4% divorce rate but this particular article says that love marriage divorce rate may be as low as 25%. Arranged marriage still ends up with a lower percentage but the gulf may not be as big as what people are saying.
     People in arranged marriages will tend to stick things out. Sometimes this is because of social pressure to stick things out such as in India where if divorce does happen the woman will be left with almost nothing because the government system is male biased. (Read more here)
     In my opinion if arranged marriage is done right then it can be a good thing.
     If not handled properly then you are stuck with someone who you may or may not like for the rest of your life.
Obviously there are going to be things that you don't like about your spouse no matter how the marriage nuptials end up coming to be. They will do things that will just annoy you (think of it as similar to living with your brother or sister for the rest of your life). I'm not talking about that so much as just getting married and being completely blindsided by the other person's personality that just doesn't match well with you. This is more likely to happen in an arranged marriage than a love marriage.
     In conclusion to all of this we live in a fallen world with fallen people who do fallen things so finding Mr. Right or Mrs. Right going to be challenging for most of us. Even when we do find them it isn't going to be peaches and cream and smooth sailing the whole time. You are marrying a fallen being but in the midst of that you will learn so much through that. So much about God, about yourself, and about others. Even when struggles do come it will all be worth it in the light of eternity.

Dating Mentality vs. Courtship Mentality

    I promised that I would give you a follow up post to my last one so here it is. (If you didn't read my last post then read Dating, Courtship, Arranged Marriage, oh my!)
     How do you have a Courtship mentality in a Date-centric world? (I mean just look at the all of the different ways people have come up with for dating.) You can date with a dating mentality or you can date with a courtship mentality. If you have the infrastructure you could just court someone but most people do not have that infrastructure and so that would be a frustrating option to give them.

    Dating mentality: basically you are out looking to have a good time and have a companion to do it with and you might get married..... sometime.....maybe..... but what's most important is how the other person makes me feel.

     Courtship mentality: I'm looking at this person with the goal of marrying them and if I don't see a serious commitment (or I see a lack thereof) within 6months to a year then I will not date this person any more because obviously I'm just wasting my time. (You could make the time less if you want but I would advise you not to make it any more than that.)

    Dating mentality: I might get some outside influence from friends and family but for the most part I can make decisions on my own and don't necessarily need their opinions to influence me.

    Courtship mentality: We need others to be involved because this is an important decision that we will have to live with for the rest of our lives and we cannot make this decision on our own. We need people who we can trust their good judgement to help us to think through this rationally.

     Dating mentality: I can be alone with this person and it's ok. Nothing is going to happen that I can't control. I can be trusted.

     Courtship mentality: We are both fallen people who are prone to sin so being alone together is not the best option. If we get in a situation where we are alone we can practice self-control but we would prefer not to get in those situations. If we need to talk about something privately we can do it with others watching. (Trust me, if you haven't been in a before relationship already, there are going to be things that you need to talk about that you might not want everyone to hear necessarily. It could just be making sure that you are both still on the same page but you don't want the outside influence of others chipping in till you have talked it over. Sometimes it's just awkward to talk about certain things with others being too close. It's ok. Communication is important!)

    Now I realize that not all dating situations are completely me centered and that it is possible to come across couples who make it a we centered thing but I think you will find that most of the people out there who date at some point it is or was a me/I centered thing.
     Like I said in the last post community is important and it doesn't happen overnight but I believe that even in today's social media saturated world it's possible to have community. You just have to be willing to be a part of it.

     I would add one more thing to the courtship mentality list and that is: have both sets of parents blessing on the match. This should be on both lists but the true dating mentality of today says "I can do it all myself" whereas the courtship mentality says that we are sinners and we need help with this.
     It's not that the match will be perfect, because that is never going to happen. It's more just to keep both of you from becoming completely blind to each other's shortcomings because of how the other person is making you feel.
     It's not that you are kept back from feeling certain feelings for someone else. It's that you are feeling those awkward feelings with others around who are able to help give advice and guidance.
     I believe that people can date but have a somewhat courtship mentality about it. There are some occasions where it may even be appropriate to date pre-marriage (such as maybe going on a double or triple date with your parents and/or your suitor's parents). Obviously every couple is going to have to figure out where their lines are when it comes to what's appropriate and what's not and when you should make an exception to the rules and when it's not ok.
     When you start to become a couple people will start to see you both as "dating" no matter what you try to tell them so that is why I think it's important to make the distinction between the mentality. When you tell people that you are courting it is hard to explain it succinctly and sometimes it's just easier to tell people yes, you are dating rather than trying to explain it (especially when you don't fully understand it yourself). It's ok. Courtship is a type of "dating" anyway, it just has a different mentality.
     It's a mentality of dependence rather than independence.

Dating, Courtship, Arranged marriage, oh my!

     When you are single and wanting to be married that is a very good desire but how to go about "doing it" before marriage actually happens is something to consider while you are out looking. I used to be of the naïve belief that 'it would just happen' with obviously some qualifications that needed to be there in the guy (he definitely has to be a Christian who wants to have a family for me that was pretty much it. Unfortunately there are too many guys who fit the bill on that one.) If you don't understand this concept go watch Frozen (Love might be an open door but it don't mean that you just walk through it. Check things out first and if its too hard for you to do without stars in your eyes then have a good friend or parent do it for you. It's ok to ask for help.) 

     So I like the idea of courtship but in other times this was a lot easier to carry out than today in America. You would have outlets for young people to meet each other in an environment where parents were expected to attend as well and where there were many familiar eyes watching. (I think of Jane Austen, Charlotte Brönte, Louisa May Alcott, and others from that time period. They mention gatherings such as dances, summer pick nicks, and other various gatherings where young people could meet each other in a community environment).

   There is a sense in which we have lost that close community that has been replaced with the advancement of technology (particularly, in today's world, with social media). There are good sides to technology where I can feel like if I really needed to make a call back home from halfway across the world I could. There are good sides to social media where you can share with many people all at once what is going on in your life (makes it so much easier to share pictures and tell people where you are in life. It's also good for keeping up with people that you would otherwise lose contact with completely.) But there are the downsides to technology too. I already mentioned one but I think that to fully analyze it I need to save it for another post.  

    So courtship in the Victorian era sense of the word might be possible today in some churches but from what I got in the past with youth group I kind of doubt that its a reality in a lot of churches.

     In our society today there is segregation of the ages, in our schools, in our communities, and in our churches, and this does not help things either. It destroys the wholeness that comes with variety in the community and rather puts an emphasis on your age group being the best age group to be with. I believe that churches who encourage and have a lot of parental participation in activities that are geared at the youth are healthier churches. 

      I know that a lot of people are looking for alternates to dating but the question is is it possible to carry out without it turning into dating in today's society? Not if you don't have community that is willing to participate. You don't have that then you don't have courtship.

     So in American society it's easy to see how people get frustrated after reading books and listening to people speak who say you shouldn't date before marriage but no clearly defined way of how you should "do it" that will work in their lives. 

     Dating is another story. Dating is all over the place and is embraced by many as the way to go. You can date online, you can date at school even if your only 11 (...or younger, I know it's sad but kids do it), you can date the traditional route (by actually going out with someone), you can double date, flash date, group date, blind date, etc, etc. You get the point. Dating comes with many faces.

     I think that some people have been brought together and used dating (because they didn't know really what else was out there) as a way to get to know each other and then one thing led to another and they "got hitched" as they say. The thing with dating is that you can have community but its not a requirement. It's easier for something to fall under the broad umbrella of dating than it is for something to fall under the much narrower umbrella of courtship because community does not happen overnight but is something that has to be fostered. 

      In other words you can date someone with tons of other people in the room who kind of know you but aren't really close enough to really give you good, sound advice.

     The last option that I know of is arranged marriage. Usually you have either a matchmaker or your parents make the match for you and whatever you get you are stuck with. This can be a good way to get married being that arranged marriages tend to have a lower percentage of divorce rates (anywhere from 4-6% according to http://www.statisticbrain.com/arranged-marriage-statistics/). Most people in America do not prefer this method of finding a spouse. 

      So those are the different options available (at least the ones that I'm aware of). In my next post I will explore the idea of having a courtship mentality in a dating focused society. Stay tuned!

5 Things to be Careful of in a "More than Friends" Relationship

     I have a confession to make. I had a relationship that I had to let go of this past year. It was really difficult and I felt awful the whole way through the process of giving it up but it was good for me. 

     I saw a lot of things that I need to work on. I'll give you 5 things that I did wrong in the relationship:

Problem #1) Be Best Friends First.

     We weren't best friends before we became serious about each other. 

Problem #2) Giving in to Parent Pressure.

    Before figuring out whether I even could stay friends with this guy in a realistic manner I was asked if I was interested in marrying this guy. This put me in a lot of stress and didn't help me to look at this guy as a friend first before looking at him as more than that. (It's hard to tell when you've only known this guy for at most a couple of months and you've pretty much only seen him in ministry situations). 

     A wise woman from my church pointed out that when you see someone in ministry you are seeing them at their best. People are multi-faceted and so if you are only seeing them in one situation all of the time it's hard to get a good view of who they are as an individual.

Problem #3) Rose colored glasses syndrome. 

     OK, maybe this is Jr.High feelings all over again but you start out knowing that you think someone is cute and not being able to cut it out, then you find out that they think your pretty cute too and then you really can't cut it out, and before you know it everyone notices you spending more time together and then you start saying that you are in a serious relationship together. 

     Your rose colored glasses are affixed and you have a hard time seeing any of the negatives in the relationship because all you can see is someone who thinks you are special and all you want to do is help them feel like their pretty special to you too. You tend towards focusing on how this person makes you feel rather than on what they are like as an individual. 

     Unfortunately I thought that I was above this syndrome and would never fall for it. Boy was I wrong. God really helped me to see that even in this I was weak where I thought (all too proudly) that I had it and I was strong enough and smart enough never to fall into this kind of thinking until it was with Mr. Right. Ah, yes, it is true that pride comes before a fall (in this case it was probably a face plant). 

Problem #4) Being too nice doesn't help. 

     I tried to be better about speaking my mind towards the end of the relationship but it was too little too late. You tend to be nice to someone because you want them to like you but if we had been best friends before we started "dorting" (it's a mixture of dating/courting since I'm not sure that what we were doing was straight up courting but it wasn't straight up dating either) then this wouldn't have been as big of an issue. 

Problem #5) Facebook factor. 

     I was stupid and allowed and encouraged a sort of online dating through Facebook messaging. When I recognized what I was doing instead of quitting and saying "you know what I don't think that this is a good thing for us to be doing because......." I decided that it wasn't doing that much harm. People used to write letters to each other, what's the difference between that and texting? 

     The problem with texting back and forth all of the time is it builds a very shallow relationship. Shallow relationships don't last. They either turn into strong relationships that do last (but this is a rare case and more the exception than the rule), or they fall apart because it wasn't deep enough to begin with, or they always stay surface relationships because that's all you either have time for or care to have with a particular person.

     These were only 5 of the problems that I decided to write about. 5 problems that I think people should try to avoid in relationships. I'm not perfect and so I can see the flaws of my mistakes and do my best to correct them next time.

     I think that being that I was there I can say that I understand what it's like to be blind. I know what it's like to feel so depressed that you feel like every breath you take is painful and keeping back the tears is something that you fight minute by minute. But I made it through, I still live and if you are going through something like this, it will take time, but there will come an end, as long as you don't give in to the feelings completely, you will eventually make it through. I did. 

     This is why I say these things. Not because I like saying them but because if anyone is out there who needs to know that they aren't the only one who's felt this way or to help others not to make the same mistakes. 

     I don't have all of the answers and (I don't think that anyone does) but I do have some experience and can tell you where I messed up.