Of Specks and Revealed Sin

          As Christians too often we are willing to see the speck in our brothers eye but ignore the fact that we have a log in our own eye. Recently I have been made aware of a giant log that has been in my own eye through the gracious comment of a brother. Yes, it wasn't pretty to see that I had been ignoring this issue in my life but at least God allowed my brother to recognize it and call me on it. I appreciated the fact that he had pointed out my sin in me as I was trying to point out the speck in his eye. (Nothing like pointing out the small sin in someone else to give them a reason to point out the big sin in you. Guess I had it coming.) 

     The point that I'm trying to make here is that when bringing up any issue that is dealing with sin in another person we need to be careful that we realize that the brother or sister that we are talking to may have this speck in their eye but we cold have a big gigantic log in our own that we are just ignoring or are unaware of its presence because its been there for so long.
     I'm not a perfect Christian. No one is. It takes some swallowing and willingness to see your faults for what they are. Is it painful to see? Yes. As a human being I may not always react the way I should when my sin is being pointed out but as I grow in my faith and mature God will help me understand how to more properly react to sin.
     As Christians it is a blessing to have our sin pointed out and maybe in the moment you will not see me rejoicing over God revealing to me my sin (I'm still a work in progress and its never fun to have your faults pointed out) but I am thankful that Christ in his grace has chosen to reveal to me what he has.
     It helps me to draw closer to Christ because I now understand yet again that I need him. That is something to rejoice over!

     

Dating Mentality vs. Courtship Mentality

    I promised that I would give you a follow up post to my last one so here it is. (If you didn't read my last post then read Dating, Courtship, Arranged Marriage, oh my!)
     How do you have a Courtship mentality in a Date-centric world? (I mean just look at the all of the different ways people have come up with for dating.) You can date with a dating mentality or you can date with a courtship mentality. If you have the infrastructure you could just court someone but most people do not have that infrastructure and so that would be a frustrating option to give them.

    Dating mentality: basically you are out looking to have a good time and have a companion to do it with and you might get married..... sometime.....maybe..... but what's most important is how the other person makes me feel.

     Courtship mentality: I'm looking at this person with the goal of marrying them and if I don't see a serious commitment (or I see a lack thereof) within 6months to a year then I will not date this person any more because obviously I'm just wasting my time. (You could make the time less if you want but I would advise you not to make it any more than that.)

    Dating mentality: I might get some outside influence from friends and family but for the most part I can make decisions on my own and don't necessarily need their opinions to influence me.

    Courtship mentality: We need others to be involved because this is an important decision that we will have to live with for the rest of our lives and we cannot make this decision on our own. We need people who we can trust their good judgement to help us to think through this rationally.

     Dating mentality: I can be alone with this person and it's ok. Nothing is going to happen that I can't control. I can be trusted.

     Courtship mentality: We are both fallen people who are prone to sin so being alone together is not the best option. If we get in a situation where we are alone we can practice self-control but we would prefer not to get in those situations. If we need to talk about something privately we can do it with others watching. (Trust me, if you haven't been in a before relationship already, there are going to be things that you need to talk about that you might not want everyone to hear necessarily. It could just be making sure that you are both still on the same page but you don't want the outside influence of others chipping in till you have talked it over. Sometimes it's just awkward to talk about certain things with others being too close. It's ok. Communication is important!)

    Now I realize that not all dating situations are completely me centered and that it is possible to come across couples who make it a we centered thing but I think you will find that most of the people out there who date at some point it is or was a me/I centered thing.
     Like I said in the last post community is important and it doesn't happen overnight but I believe that even in today's social media saturated world it's possible to have community. You just have to be willing to be a part of it.

     I would add one more thing to the courtship mentality list and that is: have both sets of parents blessing on the match. This should be on both lists but the true dating mentality of today says "I can do it all myself" whereas the courtship mentality says that we are sinners and we need help with this.
     It's not that the match will be perfect, because that is never going to happen. It's more just to keep both of you from becoming completely blind to each other's shortcomings because of how the other person is making you feel.
     It's not that you are kept back from feeling certain feelings for someone else. It's that you are feeling those awkward feelings with others around who are able to help give advice and guidance.
     I believe that people can date but have a somewhat courtship mentality about it. There are some occasions where it may even be appropriate to date pre-marriage (such as maybe going on a double or triple date with your parents and/or your suitor's parents). Obviously every couple is going to have to figure out where their lines are when it comes to what's appropriate and what's not and when you should make an exception to the rules and when it's not ok.
     When you start to become a couple people will start to see you both as "dating" no matter what you try to tell them so that is why I think it's important to make the distinction between the mentality. When you tell people that you are courting it is hard to explain it succinctly and sometimes it's just easier to tell people yes, you are dating rather than trying to explain it (especially when you don't fully understand it yourself). It's ok. Courtship is a type of "dating" anyway, it just has a different mentality.
     It's a mentality of dependence rather than independence.

Dating, Courtship, Arranged marriage, oh my!

     When you are single and wanting to be married that is a very good desire but how to go about "doing it" before marriage actually happens is something to consider while you are out looking. I used to be of the naïve belief that 'it would just happen' with obviously some qualifications that needed to be there in the guy (he definitely has to be a Christian who wants to have a family for me that was pretty much it. Unfortunately there are too many guys who fit the bill on that one.) If you don't understand this concept go watch Frozen (Love might be an open door but it don't mean that you just walk through it. Check things out first and if its too hard for you to do without stars in your eyes then have a good friend or parent do it for you. It's ok to ask for help.) 

     So I like the idea of courtship but in other times this was a lot easier to carry out than today in America. You would have outlets for young people to meet each other in an environment where parents were expected to attend as well and where there were many familiar eyes watching. (I think of Jane Austen, Charlotte Brönte, Louisa May Alcott, and others from that time period. They mention gatherings such as dances, summer pick nicks, and other various gatherings where young people could meet each other in a community environment).

   There is a sense in which we have lost that close community that has been replaced with the advancement of technology (particularly, in today's world, with social media). There are good sides to technology where I can feel like if I really needed to make a call back home from halfway across the world I could. There are good sides to social media where you can share with many people all at once what is going on in your life (makes it so much easier to share pictures and tell people where you are in life. It's also good for keeping up with people that you would otherwise lose contact with completely.) But there are the downsides to technology too. I already mentioned one but I think that to fully analyze it I need to save it for another post.  

    So courtship in the Victorian era sense of the word might be possible today in some churches but from what I got in the past with youth group I kind of doubt that its a reality in a lot of churches.

     In our society today there is segregation of the ages, in our schools, in our communities, and in our churches, and this does not help things either. It destroys the wholeness that comes with variety in the community and rather puts an emphasis on your age group being the best age group to be with. I believe that churches who encourage and have a lot of parental participation in activities that are geared at the youth are healthier churches. 

      I know that a lot of people are looking for alternates to dating but the question is is it possible to carry out without it turning into dating in today's society? Not if you don't have community that is willing to participate. You don't have that then you don't have courtship.

     So in American society it's easy to see how people get frustrated after reading books and listening to people speak who say you shouldn't date before marriage but no clearly defined way of how you should "do it" that will work in their lives. 

     Dating is another story. Dating is all over the place and is embraced by many as the way to go. You can date online, you can date at school even if your only 11 (...or younger, I know it's sad but kids do it), you can date the traditional route (by actually going out with someone), you can double date, flash date, group date, blind date, etc, etc. You get the point. Dating comes with many faces.

     I think that some people have been brought together and used dating (because they didn't know really what else was out there) as a way to get to know each other and then one thing led to another and they "got hitched" as they say. The thing with dating is that you can have community but its not a requirement. It's easier for something to fall under the broad umbrella of dating than it is for something to fall under the much narrower umbrella of courtship because community does not happen overnight but is something that has to be fostered. 

      In other words you can date someone with tons of other people in the room who kind of know you but aren't really close enough to really give you good, sound advice.

     The last option that I know of is arranged marriage. Usually you have either a matchmaker or your parents make the match for you and whatever you get you are stuck with. This can be a good way to get married being that arranged marriages tend to have a lower percentage of divorce rates (anywhere from 4-6% according to http://www.statisticbrain.com/arranged-marriage-statistics/). Most people in America do not prefer this method of finding a spouse. 

      So those are the different options available (at least the ones that I'm aware of). In my next post I will explore the idea of having a courtship mentality in a dating focused society. Stay tuned!