Oldest Daughter Complex: What You May Not Understand

    Recently I was in a conversation with a homeschool mom at our church who was describing some of her confusion as to why her oldest daughter wasn't getting her schoolwork done till 5pm whereas most of her other kids would get done regularly at 2. They have a big family of 9 kids. I actually wasn't aware of the fact that others struggled similarly to myself until this mom started describing some of her confusion of why her daughter wasn't getting done with her schoolwork earlier.
     I have found that at least in my own situation that I tend to be one of those types who likes to be useful to others. As the oldest daughter I saw my role as being a helper to my mother first and schoolwork was second. I love being part of a big family and I love that I got to benefit from learning alongside my mother from a very early age. I have had moments of not wanting things to be this way but for the most part I have been pretty content with my situation.
     This being said let's get down to what I wanted to say in the first place. When I was homeschooling I would spend between 7 and 8 hours a day on schoolwork. Part of this was due to the fact that I felt that I needed to be ready and available if my mom needed me. This included, but was not limited to, helping the little kids get lunch, changing diapers when they needed to be changed, cleaning up after the little kids, and being generally available for them should the occasion arise.
     The other kids around my age would pitch in and help too, but they are boys and didn't see things the same way that I did. It's not that they can't be the same way that I was (and to some extent still am) but I think some people are born with more of an awareness to the details around them, some people are born with a "big picture" awareness, and some people are just confusing as to what kind of awareness (if any) that they happen to possess. (I personally think God puts these kinds of people in our lives to keep the systematic people from being able to categorize everyone into their little box. I think He must get a kick out of that sometimes.)
     As a girl we tend to be more nurturing than men. We tend to be more aware of the immediate needs of the children under our care and tend to want to meet those needs (notice I said needs to wants, as mothers and older daughters we learn to distinguish between what the children in our care want and what they really need). It is not a bad thing and in fact is a reflection of our creator who is very aware of His children's needs and meets the needs of His children.
     In the Bible we see the children of Israel wandering around in the desert but God faithfully takes care of them, he gives them manna every day for food, he makes sure that their sandals on their feet don't wear out, he gives them water from rocks. God takes care of his children.
    In 2011 our landlord lost the property that we lived on and so we were asked to leave the property. During that time my dad didn't have a regular job and relied on contract work to get the money just to pay for our expenses. So no regular job and no house to live in and yet for a whole year to the day God provided not only food for us to eat but we always had a roof over our heads and a place for everyone to sleep. We really felt that God was taking care of us and directing us through the whole experience.
     That all said (sorry for the rabbit trail) I think it's important for mothers who may be confused about their older children not getting done with their schoolwork till late to try and figure out if there is a way of helping them.
     One way of doing that might be by observing what they do throughout the day and write down what it is that they are doing throughout the day. Try not to let them know what you are doing because we generally act better when we know that others are watching.
     It also could be mental fatigue from being in the house all of the time. I found that I was able to focus better on my schoolwork much better after I had gotten out of the house for a bit (such as when we would get home from P.E. or go out for a quick shopping trip with mom). I would encourage homeschool moms to try and work it out for your kids (especially the ones who have a harder time getting their schoolwork done earlier) to get out of the house on a regular basis and see if that helps to improve their focus and improve how quickly they are able to get their schoolwork done.
     Another tool that might help that I was not aware of till I was in high school is getting a speed reading course. We have an audio version which takes about 10 minutes to go through and it's really good.
     If all else fails it might be helpful to just sit down and talk with your child or have them write answers to the questions on paper if they feel they need more time to think about the answers. Some of the questions below might be questions to ask yourself first and see if you already have an answer some might be appropriate to ask your child. You may even come up with questions of your own.
     How do they view themselves in relation to the family unit? If they could liken themselves to something inanimate what would it be? If they could choose to take a class doing something what would they want to learn? What kinds of things frustrate them? Is there a subject that they are having trouble in but don't understand why and are afraid to ask because they don't know why it's hard for them or why it takes so long? Which siblings give them the most trouble? Why?
     The child will appreciate that you care and want to help. If you don't end up coming up with an answer after doing these things realize that we are all imperfect ink splotches and that I for one do not have all of the answers. I'm just trying to help you see from the perspective of an oldest daughter what it's like and then trying to help mothers help their daughters feel successful and not feel discouraged because it takes them so long to do their school and feeling like they can never do what they want to do.
      I think my mom did some things really right when I was homeschooling like taking me and her out shopping together just to get away from the house and it gave me a chance to take a break from that mental "on" that you get when you are at work (which is where I was when I was at home or when I was with the little kids). She had us involved in a P.E. group outside our home for a while. I did choir while I was in Jr. High. I did ballet for 4 years (from when I was 10 till I was 14).
     I am appreciative of all of the time spent doing all of the activities outside of the home. I am also appreciative of the things we did inside the home and for the chance that I got to be involved in the "dirty work" of motherhood and gaining the skills that I did from being involved. It is a matter of finding where the balance is and not giving up or feeling discouraged because you haven't found a balance that works for your family yet.
     Be in communion with other believers and ask God to bring guidance into your life that can help you through this challenge. God knows what you need and sometimes it's not as obvious as we think.

If You Give a Girl an Accessory

If you give a girl an accessory, she is going to want to get a dress to go with it.

When she gets the dress she will spy the shoes on her way out and realize that those ones on display would match perfectly and they are on sale! So........

She is going to want to get the shoes to go with it. 

When she goes to check out she notices the nicely manicured nails of the cashier who checks her out, so........

she is going to want to go to the nail salon to get hers done too.

She may get carried away and decide to get a pedicure as well.

While she is in the salon she happens to see herself in a mirror and notices that her hair needs a trim, so she is going to want to go to the hair salon to get her hair done.

While there she has some time to think she decides to get a fresh new style (what better way to show off her new outfit than to get a new haircut).

When she gets back home she is going to realize that she needs somewhere to go in her new attire. So you will have to take her out.

When you take her out she is going to see a cute dress in the window. She will probably decide to go in and try it on. 

If she finds that it fits perfectly she will realize that she cannot just put it back on the shelf, and so you decide to buy her the dress.

And chances are if you buy her the dress, she is going to want an accessory to go with it.

What do I do with Myself?

    As a single daughter of a pastor there are people who are genuinely thinking that I should get out there and do something with my life. Sometimes this can be discouraging when you look at everything you already do and think "but what about everything else that I'm involved in"? I'm the oldest of 12 kids, I go and help out at Cubbies once a week, I've been very involved in Child Evangelism Fellowship and currently help out with Good News Club, I have a job and babysit on top of that, what more do people expect me to do?
     There is that little thing called college. Ahh, yes. College, the seemingly defining factor of whether or not you will be a success in life or not. Now I'm not saying that college is a bad thing, no. Some people I believe have a legitimate reason to go to college and learn things and get the connections needed to do what they want to do (doctors, marine biologists, engineers, etc.). There are plenty of people who still need to have college. Do I need college though?
     I am of the opinion that not everyone needs to go to college. Some people are much better off getting life experience rather than jumping into college and spending a bunch of time and money on something that you aren't going to use. I believe that with my skill set and bent that college is not my only option (although it is one option. I like to keep an open mind about the whole college thing.)
          As a single woman I don't believe that pining away and doing nothing is good for you or anyone else. I believe that keeping busy and exploring are the best ways to get an idea of where you fit before you go out and decide to spend a whole bunch of money (and time) on something that you don't know if you even like doing or not.
     I've learned (via Pintrest) that I could learn so much through the Internet on photography that I would probably start there before I even stepped foot in a classroom about it. I think with things that are artistic and technical like that though you are better off just doing stuff on your own and figuring out what works and what doesn't and just playing around with things rather than paying for a class.  Another idea that I've toyed with is learning alongside another photographer who has been doing this stuff for a while.
     I've found that I'm able to get some pretty decent shots just using the camera on my smart phone and have been experimenting with different lighting. The photos often do end up being grainy but there are a few that turned out fine. I've learned that you can minimize the graininess of your photo (and sometimes avoid it altogether) by shooting a picture with good lighting and making sure your subject is in focus. I only know this because I have practiced and went out to find out how I could get a shot that actually looked good with something I carry all of the time. It came through my own exploration.
     I am currently going through a knitting certification course so that I can teach knitting classes. The cool thing about getting certified is that I actually need to teach classes while I'm getting certified so I actually get paid during the certification process.
     The whole reason I even found out about the knitting thing is because I was going around looking for jobs and I went into my local Michaels to find out I they needed any instructors. Come to find out they were in the market for a knitting instructor and me being a knitter who happens to be in the market for a job found a match. It was God's timing and leading and I am so thankful for His providence.
     I absolutely hands down love working with kids. God has provided ways of me being able to do that through local ministry groups like Child Evangelism Fellowship and Awana and has given me babysitting opportunities for families both in my church and just through random connections. (Although with God they're not really random.) I have been to India to work with orphanages and children's homes and  continue to look for opportunities for God to use me to minister to children.
     All this to say yes, when I look at everything that I'm involved in I might not have college as one of the ingredients of my life at this moment. That's ok. God has given me special talents and abilities and has given me the outlets for those talents and abilities.
     
For all you single ladies out there ask yourself these questions:

What is important to me?
What do I enjoy doing?
Can I get involved in ministering to people with the talents that I am aware of?
Is there something that I feel called to do that might involve stepping out of my comfort zone?
Is there something that I would like to learn/do that I should set aside time to pursue?
   
     I'm not saying that you have to answer all of them but maybe take a little time to think about them and then go and pursue those things that you feel called to do. See where God takes you in this exciting time that He has for you here on earth. He has a purpose for every splotch here on earth and it will be a beautiful thing to look back on.

Am I Making a Difference?

    As a person I want to make a difference. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm making that big of an impact on other people's lives and in Gods kingdom. Some days I wonder if I did anything that really made a difference (you know like the days that all you did was cook and clean and check Facebook and maybe pray).
     Those times that He does give us are a blessing and yes we should be striving to be more like Christ to the world around us and do what we can but some days will just feel like a waste. Don't wallow in the feeling of uselessness but rather turn to God and pray that He would show you where you are making a difference.
    Maybe it's because you were patient with someone that day when you could have gotten frustrated that day or maybe it's through just showing a child that you care for them through the meeting of their needs and stopping what you were doing to care for them. Maybe it's as simple as the fact that you are desiring to make a difference and praying about it.
     I'm not saying that we should wait to make that difference and just allow ourselves to be lazy and not do anything but for those times when we feel like we got nothing accomplished that day and are feeling discouraged about it know that it's ok to have those days and know that God will give you the tasks that He needs you to do. Just realize that sometimes what we think of as making a difference and what He thinks of as making a difference are not always the same thing.
      Sometimes the "small" things make more of a difference in someone watching our lives on the sidelines than the stuff that we might consider that make a "big difference". At the end of the day the thing that matters most is your relationship with God and the thing that matters second most is your relationship with others.
     These are just some thoughts. Need to have some more focused time just writing. I've been really busy recently changing jobs and getting adjusted so that is why I missed posting last week. Hopefully I'll get back on the horse and be a little more regular these coming weeks.

A Meaningful Valentines Day (+ Bonus Movie Review)

     A while ago my mom started a tradition that I think is really cool. She started a Valentines box. It's a big box that we get out and put valentines for each other in throughout the month of February (and if we get it out early enough through some of January too but that doesn't always happen). The goal of this tradition was to get us to say something nice to each other at least once a year. (We say more nice things than that a year ok.)
    If I remember correctly I believe the tradition was started around a time when I was not getting along with one brother in particular. Ironically now me and him are best buds.
    That aside we started this tradition years ago and know that when the valentines box comes out its time to make cards. My mom made a few rules for this activity which have been mostly followed throughout the years (we may have made a few exceptions for the younger ones and special cases):

1. You must say something nice in the card to the person that its meant for (no mean valentines so far)
2. You must make your own valentines (yes, you must put some time and effort into making your card, none of those pre-made dinky valentines that you get for handing out to your class).
3. You must make an individual card for each individual person (not an easy task when your talking about making 13 valentines. Little ones are not held to the same standards on this one but when they are being helped they tend to get at least one valentine for everyone.)

At first we had one who didn't really like that you had to actually make cards for people but now he seems fine with it and everyone does get a card from him that is handmade.
      We also usually have a fondue dinner for our valentine celebration. We start out with the cheese pot where we dip bread cubes into the melted cheese mixture. Then we move onto the main course where we have some kind of stock (chicken, beef, or vegetable) in a fondue pot and cook our raw meats and vegetables in there. Last, but definitely not least, is our chocolate fondue pot where we dip fruits, marshmallows, and sometimes graham crackers in.
     We usually open up the valentine box right after our fancy 3 course meal and pass out the cards.
     It's a fun family tradition that helps me to really appreciate each individual person for who they are as, well, a person. It also is a reminder for me to encourage my siblings and parents in things that I see in them as positive things that they do everyday. Too often I forget to praise them for the everyday things that they do and too often I just take those things for granted.
     It's good to have those things that refocus us on what we appreciate about someone and remind us not to focus on the negative in that person. Valentines day is a good time to do that.
     I have asked myself these questions his year when writing out my valentines:
-What do you appreciate about this person?
-Can you encourage them in any way?
-What are some things that they do that you might take for granted that it might be nice to notice?

     On another note, if you happen to be looking for a good movie to out to for valentines day (or any day) I would encourage you to go see Frozen. It is a movie about the importance of relationship and sibling love. It does have a little bit of romance but it isn't overly emphasized. Our whole family enjoyed it from the little 3 year olds all the way up to my dad (and all 7 of the boys including the "cool" teenagers in spite of the fact that it is a princess movie).

Book Review: Chucking College

     I picked this book up because I believe that college is not necessarily the answer to higher education. I believe that its possible to get a good education without going to college and use the money that you may have spent for classes on building your own business. I was hoping that this book might give me some tools and answer some questions on just how a girl like me might go about doing that.
     Lets just say I did not want to finish this book. The first 3 chapters are all a big rant on how awful colleges are. Chapter 4 has some good things to say and then she starts the rant up again for the next 2 1/2 chapters. The author takes her experience and applies it to all colleges. I got the idea that the author herself did not do enough research before setting off for college and so, by default, had a bad experience while there. (If you don't do your research what do you expect?)
     At first I just wrote down questions because I like to give the author a chance to redeem themselves before I just start thinking negatively about what they have to say.
     I asked:
     Is the author being fair in making overarching statements about all colleges? Is it possible that there are good colleges out there and the author was just very hurt by one college and sought evidence to justify her position? Is this chapter just one big rant that just happens to have some truth to what she is saying but is not necessarily true everywhere?
   
     Ok so the last question may have been a little judgmental. (One out of 3 isn't bad.) I was kind of getting annoyed with the rehashing of the same topic only in different words by that point anyway.
     I thought that the testimonies sprinkled throughout the book were helpful and came from people who were just saying that college didn't work for them so they went another rout or that this is what they did instead of going to college and getting a degree. (In some cases they were more helpful and more insightful than the chapter that they were placed in).
     Chapter 4 was pretty good except for one statement that Melanie makes which I found to be a little pharisaical on her part. She says:

     "Imagine if you had $50,000-$100,000 cash and could invest it in a way that would establish a solid foundation and launching pad for your adult life. Would you choose to spend it on attending required classes based on someone else's agenda for your life, on studying under liberal professors, on living with an arbitrarily assigned person, and on having your innocence and purity robbed?" (Emphasis mine)

     Are any of us truly innocent? I mean really? Does college suddenly cause us to have a sin nature? This is not the first time in the book that she has said something like this I just was so mad that she seemed to be ranting about how "evil" college was once again. OK I get it Melanie, can we just move on now?
     Now I do agree with her that spending tons of money on something that may or may not work out is not a wise choice which is the main thrust of this chapter. So other than that it was a good chapter to read.
     Later she talks about this 24 year old named Jen Keeton who was expelled from Augusta State University because she believed that homosexuality was a behavioral choice rather than a state of being. She was a Christian and stood by her Christian values and I applaud her for it. We should expect to get this sort of treatment from the world because the world hates God and anything or anyone that smacks of Him or who stands for truth no matter how small that truth may seem.
      From how the author writes it sounds like there are no Christian colleges out there with men and women of faith on campus. I have friends who have been to colleges where they met godly young women and men and they do exist! Just because the author did not experience it does not mean that this scenario does not exist anywhere!
    In the context of talking about Psalm 1:1 she states:

    "College offers the counsel of wicked professors, who earnestly desire students to adhere to their liberal teaching; the unavoidable necessity of standing in the way of immoral acquaintances - sinners really....."

     She says all of this saying that you will come across these things at college but you come across these things at home too. I believe that the young college bound student that doesn't do their homework and research their college carefully may indeed have to take classes from wicked professors but someone who values their education should really be diligent about researching the college before committing to it.
     The last statement is particularly odious to me:

     "standing in the way of immoral acquaintances - sinners really."

 You can't find this at home? You don't find yourself spending time with sinners? I found these statements to be a bit judgmental. Yes, there are people who go to college to party and to live the "college life." We are called to love them and not be the one to "cast the first stone" so to speak.
     She ends chapter 5 with this:

   "Culture changing does not happen effectively by integrating with the culture. Think of the righteous man who feels called to witness in a bar, and take note of his strategy. He goes in there, "engages the culture" with the gospel, and then gets out as soon as his mission is accomplished. Hanging out in the place of temptation will not accomplish any more good; in fact, doing so has been proven to cause weaker "missionaries" to become desensitized and worn down by constant pressure to join the crowd."

     I have to ask, what did Jesus do? He was known for hanging out with tax collectors and sinners. If someone feels called to witness in a bar then it's better to obey that calling and reap the harvest than to ignore it and walk away because its "beneath" you to go there which is kind of the feeling I got towards the end of this chapter.
     We must remember to rely on Christ's strength instead of trying to stand on our own. Christ will give us the strength to stand against temptation.
     From how Melanie writes you would think that you could lose your salvation but the Bible teaches that "the Lord will keep you from all evil he will keep your life (Psalm 121:7)". If we are truly saved there is nothing that can take us away from God.
     In chapter 6 Melanie complains about not being able to get people to agree not to drink while they were in Europe for a college tour. I'm sorry honey but you can't be everyone's parent and sometimes it's best to just be kind to people and pray for them.
     She also makes some more comments about how "evil" college is. It's really too bad that she takes college to this extreme. You can find good colleges out there and people do get good experiences there. Like I've been saying, you need to do your research to find these colleges but they do exist!
     In chapter 7 she goes into some of the things that you (in her opinion) shouldn't be studying in college: Greek mythology, Philosophy, Evolution, and Religion Studies. I totally disagree. I believe that you can study these things in order to have an understanding of what others believe so that we might be better equipped to give a defense of our faith. True we do not necessarily need to know what other people believe but it behooves us to know so that we can better understand where they are coming from. I don't think that studying these things will make us any less a Christian.
     Once you get through the rant bit of the book (the first 7 chapters minus chapter 4) then the rest is more of the kinds of information that I wanted to begin with. She gives helpful suggestions on how to build a better resume, hints on what you can do to start up your own business, tips on what you can claim on your taxes, and encouragement to keep on learning even though you are not in school.
     Melanie is just trying to be helpful but in the process she ends up being very judgmental of all colleges. I do not believe that all colleges are bad there are just fewer colleges out there that are good (including good Christian colleges).
     Will I step foot in a college classroom myself? I don't know. This world is changing and with so many options and things available it can be overwhelming. I may have to go to college to get a degree or take a few classes if I feel The Lord calling me to a particular field of study and that is ok. But while I wait I am going to explore the world around me and gain skills and knowledge in areas where I want to have skills and knowledge in.

5 Things to be Careful of in a "More than Friends" Relationship

     I have a confession to make. I had a relationship that I had to let go of this past year. It was really difficult and I felt awful the whole way through the process of giving it up but it was good for me. 

     I saw a lot of things that I need to work on. I'll give you 5 things that I did wrong in the relationship:

Problem #1) Be Best Friends First.

     We weren't best friends before we became serious about each other. 

Problem #2) Giving in to Parent Pressure.

    Before figuring out whether I even could stay friends with this guy in a realistic manner I was asked if I was interested in marrying this guy. This put me in a lot of stress and didn't help me to look at this guy as a friend first before looking at him as more than that. (It's hard to tell when you've only known this guy for at most a couple of months and you've pretty much only seen him in ministry situations). 

     A wise woman from my church pointed out that when you see someone in ministry you are seeing them at their best. People are multi-faceted and so if you are only seeing them in one situation all of the time it's hard to get a good view of who they are as an individual.

Problem #3) Rose colored glasses syndrome. 

     OK, maybe this is Jr.High feelings all over again but you start out knowing that you think someone is cute and not being able to cut it out, then you find out that they think your pretty cute too and then you really can't cut it out, and before you know it everyone notices you spending more time together and then you start saying that you are in a serious relationship together. 

     Your rose colored glasses are affixed and you have a hard time seeing any of the negatives in the relationship because all you can see is someone who thinks you are special and all you want to do is help them feel like their pretty special to you too. You tend towards focusing on how this person makes you feel rather than on what they are like as an individual. 

     Unfortunately I thought that I was above this syndrome and would never fall for it. Boy was I wrong. God really helped me to see that even in this I was weak where I thought (all too proudly) that I had it and I was strong enough and smart enough never to fall into this kind of thinking until it was with Mr. Right. Ah, yes, it is true that pride comes before a fall (in this case it was probably a face plant). 

Problem #4) Being too nice doesn't help. 

     I tried to be better about speaking my mind towards the end of the relationship but it was too little too late. You tend to be nice to someone because you want them to like you but if we had been best friends before we started "dorting" (it's a mixture of dating/courting since I'm not sure that what we were doing was straight up courting but it wasn't straight up dating either) then this wouldn't have been as big of an issue. 

Problem #5) Facebook factor. 

     I was stupid and allowed and encouraged a sort of online dating through Facebook messaging. When I recognized what I was doing instead of quitting and saying "you know what I don't think that this is a good thing for us to be doing because......." I decided that it wasn't doing that much harm. People used to write letters to each other, what's the difference between that and texting? 

     The problem with texting back and forth all of the time is it builds a very shallow relationship. Shallow relationships don't last. They either turn into strong relationships that do last (but this is a rare case and more the exception than the rule), or they fall apart because it wasn't deep enough to begin with, or they always stay surface relationships because that's all you either have time for or care to have with a particular person.

     These were only 5 of the problems that I decided to write about. 5 problems that I think people should try to avoid in relationships. I'm not perfect and so I can see the flaws of my mistakes and do my best to correct them next time.

     I think that being that I was there I can say that I understand what it's like to be blind. I know what it's like to feel so depressed that you feel like every breath you take is painful and keeping back the tears is something that you fight minute by minute. But I made it through, I still live and if you are going through something like this, it will take time, but there will come an end, as long as you don't give in to the feelings completely, you will eventually make it through. I did. 

     This is why I say these things. Not because I like saying them but because if anyone is out there who needs to know that they aren't the only one who's felt this way or to help others not to make the same mistakes. 

     I don't have all of the answers and (I don't think that anyone does) but I do have some experience and can tell you where I messed up.