Oldest Daughter Complex: What You May Not Understand

    Recently I was in a conversation with a homeschool mom at our church who was describing some of her confusion as to why her oldest daughter wasn't getting her schoolwork done till 5pm whereas most of her other kids would get done regularly at 2. They have a big family of 9 kids. I actually wasn't aware of the fact that others struggled similarly to myself until this mom started describing some of her confusion of why her daughter wasn't getting done with her schoolwork earlier.
     I have found that at least in my own situation that I tend to be one of those types who likes to be useful to others. As the oldest daughter I saw my role as being a helper to my mother first and schoolwork was second. I love being part of a big family and I love that I got to benefit from learning alongside my mother from a very early age. I have had moments of not wanting things to be this way but for the most part I have been pretty content with my situation.
     This being said let's get down to what I wanted to say in the first place. When I was homeschooling I would spend between 7 and 8 hours a day on schoolwork. Part of this was due to the fact that I felt that I needed to be ready and available if my mom needed me. This included, but was not limited to, helping the little kids get lunch, changing diapers when they needed to be changed, cleaning up after the little kids, and being generally available for them should the occasion arise.
     The other kids around my age would pitch in and help too, but they are boys and didn't see things the same way that I did. It's not that they can't be the same way that I was (and to some extent still am) but I think some people are born with more of an awareness to the details around them, some people are born with a "big picture" awareness, and some people are just confusing as to what kind of awareness (if any) that they happen to possess. (I personally think God puts these kinds of people in our lives to keep the systematic people from being able to categorize everyone into their little box. I think He must get a kick out of that sometimes.)
     As a girl we tend to be more nurturing than men. We tend to be more aware of the immediate needs of the children under our care and tend to want to meet those needs (notice I said needs to wants, as mothers and older daughters we learn to distinguish between what the children in our care want and what they really need). It is not a bad thing and in fact is a reflection of our creator who is very aware of His children's needs and meets the needs of His children.
     In the Bible we see the children of Israel wandering around in the desert but God faithfully takes care of them, he gives them manna every day for food, he makes sure that their sandals on their feet don't wear out, he gives them water from rocks. God takes care of his children.
    In 2011 our landlord lost the property that we lived on and so we were asked to leave the property. During that time my dad didn't have a regular job and relied on contract work to get the money just to pay for our expenses. So no regular job and no house to live in and yet for a whole year to the day God provided not only food for us to eat but we always had a roof over our heads and a place for everyone to sleep. We really felt that God was taking care of us and directing us through the whole experience.
     That all said (sorry for the rabbit trail) I think it's important for mothers who may be confused about their older children not getting done with their schoolwork till late to try and figure out if there is a way of helping them.
     One way of doing that might be by observing what they do throughout the day and write down what it is that they are doing throughout the day. Try not to let them know what you are doing because we generally act better when we know that others are watching.
     It also could be mental fatigue from being in the house all of the time. I found that I was able to focus better on my schoolwork much better after I had gotten out of the house for a bit (such as when we would get home from P.E. or go out for a quick shopping trip with mom). I would encourage homeschool moms to try and work it out for your kids (especially the ones who have a harder time getting their schoolwork done earlier) to get out of the house on a regular basis and see if that helps to improve their focus and improve how quickly they are able to get their schoolwork done.
     Another tool that might help that I was not aware of till I was in high school is getting a speed reading course. We have an audio version which takes about 10 minutes to go through and it's really good.
     If all else fails it might be helpful to just sit down and talk with your child or have them write answers to the questions on paper if they feel they need more time to think about the answers. Some of the questions below might be questions to ask yourself first and see if you already have an answer some might be appropriate to ask your child. You may even come up with questions of your own.
     How do they view themselves in relation to the family unit? If they could liken themselves to something inanimate what would it be? If they could choose to take a class doing something what would they want to learn? What kinds of things frustrate them? Is there a subject that they are having trouble in but don't understand why and are afraid to ask because they don't know why it's hard for them or why it takes so long? Which siblings give them the most trouble? Why?
     The child will appreciate that you care and want to help. If you don't end up coming up with an answer after doing these things realize that we are all imperfect ink splotches and that I for one do not have all of the answers. I'm just trying to help you see from the perspective of an oldest daughter what it's like and then trying to help mothers help their daughters feel successful and not feel discouraged because it takes them so long to do their school and feeling like they can never do what they want to do.
      I think my mom did some things really right when I was homeschooling like taking me and her out shopping together just to get away from the house and it gave me a chance to take a break from that mental "on" that you get when you are at work (which is where I was when I was at home or when I was with the little kids). She had us involved in a P.E. group outside our home for a while. I did choir while I was in Jr. High. I did ballet for 4 years (from when I was 10 till I was 14).
     I am appreciative of all of the time spent doing all of the activities outside of the home. I am also appreciative of the things we did inside the home and for the chance that I got to be involved in the "dirty work" of motherhood and gaining the skills that I did from being involved. It is a matter of finding where the balance is and not giving up or feeling discouraged because you haven't found a balance that works for your family yet.
     Be in communion with other believers and ask God to bring guidance into your life that can help you through this challenge. God knows what you need and sometimes it's not as obvious as we think.